Here are the notes used for the workshop in Dublin, at Seomra Spraoi, on the 30th of May during the Ladyfest about manipulation in interpersonal relationships. This focuses on the extreme character of the narcissistic pervert. I plan to make this into a zine. It needs more detailed advices.
Manipulation in interpersonal relationships
The same way I would advice people to investigate what’s in their food, I would advice people to investigate what’s in their relationships. Especially if they are not great.
If any saboteur shows up, there will be great chances that they actually are manipulators. So that’s them we want to speak about.
First : what’s manipulation ?
Simply : when someone makes someone else do something they wouldnt have done by themselves. Of course, they can also convince them that they did it by their own will.
But it implies more than that and they can be really dangerous and bring people to suicide. They are poisonous people you have to stay away of. Survival.
There are different kinds of manipulation.
1 the “good” one: surprise birthday party
2 the “selfish” one : I will pay you tomorrow
3 the pathologic one, paranoid, I call them vampires. I will focus on them. I have started a vampire hunt. And hope you will join me.
All their life, their identity is based on what they look like. If they are nothing to you, they dont exist. They kind of exist through you because you are their puppets. Their are proud of themselves, of being so smart and able to use people so well. They sometimes betray themselves, once in 10 years (“I am so good at manipulating!”).
So basically, they seem to be very strong, they can do a lot. But they are very weak inside and I have met someone whom husband committed suicide to make the whole family feel guilty.
So the scenario is basically : they have targets. There is a typical victim of the vampire. And with the others, they just try to look serious to them. Get their confidence. Maybe get them to do something for them (they use intermediate people a lot). To hide their game.
lets make two lists : one of the tools they use, one of the signs that show their manipulation.
How they look like : popular, have some sort of power (if they dont and you do, they can make you think they do!), are “cool”,often dealers (makes people dependent), resourceful (like they can do plumbery – the same). Charismatic. Very smart. Seducer.
How do you feel around them : first you feel great, you want to be their friend. They are beautiful, all you dreamt of. And you would do anything for them. Then you start to get confused and thats when the spiral starts.
Speaking : one thing that helped me a lot discovering them is the way they speak. They are confusing. You never really know where they want to get. I have a passion for the verb so I can tell when people dont have a gramatically correct sentence (but here its not about not being educated, its about using complicated formulations). They like to PLAY with words. They make you say what you havent said. you always think you will get somewhere and they suddenly say something completely absurd that forces you to explain all from the beginning. Bad faith.
they like to make you angry. My brother once tried four or five times to trigger me with racist and sexist comments. I had to tell him each time : why are you speaking about this ? We’ll get to an argument again! Lets speak about something that we share.
Conclusion : prefer CLEAR people. If someone is not clear, make them repeat until they say something clear. And of course, dont let them play with you. If they get to the conclusion that YOU are not able to communicate, just ignore them. But its not always easy.
Ethics : they dont have any. They are quite rebellious because they are narcissistic and they dont want anyone to step on their foot. You might agree with them as an anarchist about the uselessness of the state and the law, etc.
They master YOUR politics and can pretend they share the same to return them against you. They like to play the VICTIM (while you should remember that real victims are not usually so proud!!!). And make you feel GUILTY. my solution: Whenever I feel bad, I think “its not coming from me, where is it coming from ?”. Is there someone around making me feel bad ? why ? etc. you will discover a lot !!! Especially when people dont speak and that makes you feel awkward. Then you realize there is something odd going on. Not always but very often. Staying silent is not a 100% sign, it happened to me to think someone shy or with aspergers was one. Because they didnt say “hi!” to me and i was like “are they trying to snob me ?”
– Comment : I would say that you should never feel like shit. You only know who you are and how great you are so dont let them put into your mind that you are shit. Feeling guilty never brought anything. Even if you are (or i would say WERE, because its nots the case), you should NEVER *FEEL* guilty. fucking catholic shit. It is stopping you from having rewarding experiences and its just a whole vicious circle.
Not only guiltiness, but FEAR or SHAME are tools they use. –
Look : they might be rebellious, they always look good. Conformist, they wont stick out. The most normal u can do. They can have dramatic attitudes too. That makes them look like they are the leader.
Interactions: Up and Down. One day they will be so so great. Smart etc. And {I forgot to tell you that you were also narcissistic} make you compliments that will flatter you a lot. And, maybe the next time you see them, or 5minutes later if you know them well, after they got your confidence they will belittle you. Make you feel horrible, guilty, ashamed… on the other hand, they dont get critics. In the end, you just end being scared of criticizing them!!
One very important thing is that they are really closed to their victims : partner, member of the family. So they mean a lot to you. You feel like you need them, while it is the OPPOSITE!
They are quite control freak.
They REVERSE ROLES all the time.
No moral : dont think that its out of the moral. dont think that it COULDNT happen. The most they are sadistic, the most they are “happy”. its hard to imagine that people can be so cruel, but they do. Professionals say they have to project their own problems on others, like fear of abandon for example. They LIE a lot. Change the reality. Re-invent things. They manage to make you doubt about really obvious things. You get completely confused. They like to play the smart hin hin hin. And see you getting vert de rage.
examples: as I said, I met someone who knows a vampire who committed suicide
but also, when my uncle died, my brother tried all he could to make me feel guilty. he said that my cousin told him “do you dont know her last [stupid behavior]” … => to make me feel ridiculous
He did lots of manners to express that I was ridiculous not morning, but then he happened to be the only one in black at the funerals.
Will remind you how ten years ago you did something. And that proves so much who you are. How bad you are.
One very important thing : they isolate their victims. So they make them think there is only one like them in the world. So ridiculous. And that no one really cares about you. If you trust them, you wont dare to speak to your best friends or family anymore. and they will have more power on you. – obvioulsy, you should just do the opposite (!!!), they are your best allies!
Things that happen to them are always very very important. Things that happen to you dont matter.
Vampire Hunt 